Journal December 2025 Release - Flipbook - Page 93
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understand that his avoidant responses echoed those of his father, who had long
struggled to express vulnerability himself. During that first interview, a palpable
awkwardness filled the room, which I instinctively perceived as a problem and
tried to avoid. I suspected Quentin’s father sensed the awkwardness too, as he
quickly wiped his tears, straightened in his chair, and shifted the conversation to a
new topic. Looking back on that moment, I am struck by the image of three men
in the room, quietly wrestling with what they could not name or bear to express
freely. However, this is what we are taught to do as men: suppress our feelings,
toughen up, and move on (Schermer, 2013). In fact, the avoidance felt so familiar,
so automatic, that I did not question it at the time. Instead, I saw the
awkwardness as the problem to overcome.
When awkwardness becomes the doorway
Throughout our work together, Quentin and I not only challenged the notion of
“toughness” that men often perform to affirm their masculinity but also came to
see how it constrained the depth of our therapist-client relationship. Beneath that
facade of strength, we uncovered awkwardness, anxiety, discomfort, and
vulnerability. Rather than avoidance, this time we chose to welcome
awkwardness into our conversations.
As our work deepened, we learned how Quentin’s commitment to performing
toughness had silenced parts of him that were hurting. We eventually came to
understand that it was his unaddressed pain that underpinned many of the
challenges he was facing, including his abuse of alcohol and drugs, as well as a
growing pattern of anger. In Quentin’s words, his life felt “abstract.” He shared
that whenever something bad happened, he never quite knew how to find his
way out. He explained that he felt trapped in a way of living that left no room for
hope or dreams about the future. In describing his experience, Quentin spoke of
“just existing day to day, running in circles, wasting away,” and wondering, “How
much alcohol do I need to drink to feel better?”
The problems Quentin faced were conditioned, reinforced, and even justified by
the unforgiving ideals of toughness upheld by our patriarchal society. These
expectations, of course, had to be thoughtfully deconstructed before
awkwardness could successfully guide us toward discoveries we had not
anticipated. It was at that point that we gave ourselves permission to be
In the Company of Awkwardness: Counterstorying Toughness in Therapy
Journal of Contemporary Narrative Therapy, December 2025 Release, p. 88 -106.
www.journalnft.com
